Mordel's Bar & Grill
More fun stuff
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Mordel's Bar & Grill Forum Index » General Off Topic
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Vampire
Free Worlds League
Lieutenant Colonel
Lieutenant Colonel


Joined: 05-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 917
Location: Spain
PostPosted: 23-Nov-2002 14:45    Post subject: More fun stuff Reply to topic Reply with quote

Culture & Ideas 11/25/02
BY JOHN LEO
Put on a sappy face


There's a problem in Florida's Panhandle. Some residents think their area's
name leaves the impression that panhandling is the major local activity. So
they want their area to be known as "Florida's Great Northwest." Why not?
Many accountants are unhappy with their name, too. They prefer "cognitors,"
even though this sounds like a herd at Jurassic Park. In football, some fans
think a long and desperate last-second pass should not be called a "Hail
Mary" play because of the religious reference. They think it should be
called, well, a long and desperate last-second pass. Yes, America
effortlessly churns out euphemisms and upscale name changes. Here are some
current ones:

Comparative ads: attack ads

Traffic-calming road insertions: speed bumps

In-depth interrogation: torture

Visual harassment: staring

Unacknowledged repetitions: plagiarism

Derivative passages: plagiarism

Inadvertently copying long sections of someone else's book and putting it in
yours: plagiarism

Roster management: eliminating male athletes, adding females

Verbal abuse: criticism

Assaultive expression: criticism

Linguistic domestic violence: criticism of a wife

Abductees (in Sudan): slaves

Tribal chief: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you admire

Warlord: swarthy, non-English-speaking leader you do not admire

Self-sacrifice bombers: suicide bombers

Targeting process error: looks like we killed a lot of civilians

Activist volunteering (feminese): helping to kidnap a child from a father
who has custody

Tree-density reduction: chopping down every tree in sight

Isolated reflection interval: timeout

Mandatory discontinued attendance: suspension

Cultural genocide: correcting a pupil's nonstandard English

Multicultural issues editor: censor

Psychological violence: disapproval

Creating personal accounts: privatizing Social Security

Unpaid sex worker: wife

Sexual service provider: paid sex worker, hooker

Death tax: inheritance tax

Duty-not-paid importing: smuggling

Cosmetically saturated: wearing too much makeup

Fragrance abuse: wearing too much perfume

Olfactory assault: wearing any perfume at all

Nondiscretionary fragrance: body odor

Robust peacekeeping: killing troublesome locals

Coercive pregnancy: turned down for a late abortion

Mandatory motherhood: turned down for a late abortion

Pregnancy-related services: abortion

Product of conception: baby

Evacuate cranial contents: suck the baby's brains out

Action figures: dolls for boys

Nuclear transplantation: cloning

Poorly buffered precipitation: acid rain

Smoothers: girdles

Spouse equivalent: lover

Polyamory: wild promiscuity

Person-centered sexuality with permissive affection: anything goes

Nontraditional sex: perversions

Comprehensive sex education: sex-ed classes stressing the things your
parents hope you will never do

Hemp activist: pot promoter

Problem-plagued: drug-addled

Post-verdict response: riot

Uprising: a riot you approve of

Granted "access" to my body (Boston clerical term): had sex with a young
male

Occupant restraints: seat belts

Race-sensitive programs: preferences, quotas

Faith-based organizations: religious organizations

Deer management: shooting all the deer

Activity intolerance: lower back pain

Economic profiling: getting turned down for a loan because of a poor credit
rating

Made possible by: we don't take advertising, but here comes an ad anyway

Relationship manager: salesperson

Persistency specialist: bill collector

Tactical pricing: panicky price cuts

Intercommunal coexistence (from a program at Brandeis): getting along


Mainstreaming (journalese): quoting one member of every race, gender,
orientation, and ethnic group in all news reports, even ones about ailing
turtles, bad weather, or Martha Stewart

Lifestyle and Fitness competition: Miss America's swimsuit competition

The (nongendered) monarchy, the power, and the glory: the (patriarchal)
kingdom, the power, and the glory

Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer: Father, Son, Holy Spirit

Involuntary normal attrition: laying off workers

Managing down: laying off workers

Rightsizing: laying off workers

Job survivor: person not yet rightsized, attrited, or managed down



_________________
Memento audare semper
Back to top View profile Send site message Visit website
Ruger
Lyran Alliance
Hauptmann General
Hauptmann General


Joined: 04-Feb-2002 00:00
Posts: 2095

PostPosted: 23-Nov-2002 17:08    Post subject: RE: More fun stuff Reply to topic Reply with quote

Here's another a coworker sent me yesterday...anyone who has gone through the process and met one of these (at work or home) should agree it works:

Auditor: one who goes out in the field to shoot the wounded

Ruger
Back to top View profile Send site message
Kyu Kage
ComStar
Captain
Captain


Joined: 16-Sep-2002 00:00
Posts: 503

PostPosted: 24-Nov-2002 03:38    Post subject: RE: More fun stuff Reply to topic Reply with quote

PE Teacher: Sanctioned youth executioner/torturer
_________________
Loyalty above all else except honour!
Back to top View profile Send site message Visit website
Sarkkahn
Draconis Combine
Tai-i
Tai-i


Joined: 12-Jul-2002 00:00
Posts: 394

PostPosted: 24-Nov-2002 19:08    Post subject: RE: More fun stuff Reply to topic Reply with quote

Pharmasist: Drug Dealer
_________________
You want some? Come and get it
Back to top View profile Send site message Send e-mail
Slythis
Federated Suns
Colonel
Colonel


Joined: 09-Aug-2002 00:00
Posts: 712

PostPosted: 26-Nov-2002 15:51    Post subject: RE: More fun stuff Reply to topic Reply with quote

High School: Optional Inforced captivity, Education, Reeducation, and Rereeducations of America's Middle class youth.

_________________
"It is pleasant, when the winds are high and the seas are rough to watch the stuggles of another from the shore."
Back to top View profile Send site message
Display posts from previous:
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Mordel's Bar & Grill Forum Index » General Off Topic All times are GMT-05:00

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum